Cooking Contest of Horror
by nicolft
Summary: England and Bard...have a cook-off. Not a good omen...Well, to be fair, either of them in a kitchen is bad enough...Rated T for swearing and France (being France) Hetalia/Black Butler crossover! :D


**LET'S PUT BARD AND IGGY TOGETHER AND MAKE THEM COOK! MWAHAHAHAHA!**

* * *

The cooking competition displayed Bard cooking against a man with slightly spiky and messy blond hair, and brilliant emerald eyes. His name was Arthur Kirkland. Ciel thought that he would actually be a significant competitor, but you should never judge a book by its cover...

* * *

Arthur smiled at the camera and waved. "I will be showing you how to bake a batch of scones-"

Someone with an American accent interrupted him with a shout, "ARTIIEEE! WE'VE GONE OVER THIS : YOUR SCONES TASTE LIKE PETRIFIED COUCH STUFFING! YOU'RE GONNA LOOOOSE!"

Arthur took a deep breath and bellowed, "WHY THE BLOODY HELL HAS AN INSOLENT NARSISSISTIC HAMBURGER BINGING TEA-REJECTING UNGRATEFUL BRATTY ARSE LIKE YOU COME ALONG?!"

"Ohon~ Cher, we only came to cheer you on-" A french-accented voice sang, before being cut off.

"YOU BROUGHT THE BLEEDING FROG WITH YOU?!"

"Oh, _mon petit lapin_, you wound me so~!"

Arthur stormed off camera and loud shouts were heard, a few of which consisting of the words, "sexual tension", "Hungarian", and, "cheese-eating surrender monkey".

The camera switched to Bard, who tried to avoid shooting glances at the commotion on Arthur's side.

"Alright, I'm going to make some cornbread this time." He announced and rushed over to the cabinet to get a bowl.

"First thing you want to do is add some eggs, and milk, and-"  
From the Arthur's side, the same American interrupted again. "AHAHAHA! SEE, ARTIE? HE SAID 'AND' LIKE I DO!"

"YOU BLOODY ARSE! IF YOU WOULD ACTUALLY _PAY ATTENTION_ TO MY LECTURES, THAT WOULDN'T BE THE CASE!"

"OHONHON! IT SEEMS OUR LITTLE ARTHUR HERE IS LACKING PARENTAL SKILLS!"

"SOD OFF!"

Finally, the camera switched back to Arthur, whose attire had been thoroughly messed up. Eyes blazing, he marched over to get his flour and butter, then mix them together and add a few more ingredients.

Both seemed fine until it was time for the actual baking process.

"Okay! Now I'm going to use a special cooking tool for this!" He set a box on the counter, "Dynamite!"

Arthur had preheated his oven to 800 degrees, but when he saw Bard and his dynamite, his face immediately darkened with smugness, "Hah! You think you can cook faster than me?" He chuckled, retrieving something from his pocket, "Good thing I still have those confiscated firecrackers..."

Most everyone watching the show facepalmed, pitying the taste-testers.

Bard took a match and lit the fuse, then shoved the dynamite into his bread, and watched it explode, his temporary kitchen now in ruins. Black soot covered him head to toe, and his hair resembled an afro.

"I'm done!" He called out, presenting the soot-covered chunks of...stuff.

The camera went back to Arthur.

He dumped firecrackers on the tray, then shoved them into the preheated oven.

"That should speed things up!"

"Rosbif, I don't believe that is how you should bake-"

"SHUT UP, FROG! I CAN MAKE SCONES JUST FINE!"

"But would it not be better if you followed the instruc-"

"NO ONE TELLS ME HOW TO RUN MY LIFE—ESPECIALLY YOU!"

Predictably, the oven exploded, leaving Arthur with what looked like a pieces of half-melted charcoal.

The 'cooks' set their 'delicacies' on platters, and the taste-testers cautiously took a small bite.

"Well," The first one started, "Bard's cornbread has...a sooty taste, along with some egg-shell for some reason...and Arthur's is also quite sooty, but the scone also seems to be slightly melted. I give this round to Bard, because I prefer crunchiness to a messy glop. You can't swallow either anyways."

The other two nodded vigorously, looking around for trashcans with wide eyes, and most likely paying no attention to what the first tester said.

* * *

Ciel was shocked. He never knew that someone possessed the talent to create a meal worse than Bard's. Impressive.

* * *

**NYAHAHA! NO ONE CAN BEAT IGGY AT COOKING FAILURE! NYEHEHE~! Bard has actually made a...meal that may or may not be edible, depending on if you eat raw meat, but it's better than petrified cough stuffing, eh? By the way, Iggs' was liquidy due to his amazing oven's preheating skills, and Bard, being the rushed cook he is, simply dropped the egg in there without cracking it. Yeah. XD That takes ****_talent._**


End file.
